#14 Learnings on the Fringes of My Twenties

Twelve things I'm glad I learned (and am still learning) in my twenties

Good morning!

Four years ago I started this birthday tradition on Instagram where I share twelve things that describe Ria at *insert age here* (Here’s Ria at 28, 27, 25 (26 was the year the pandemic started, so I’d like to think I’m excused for missing out)). Essentially, these lists are pointers for my life. And for this newsletter, I’ll be fleshing out this year’s list.

A note on word choice: I wanted to call these “learnings” instead of “lessons” because it better captures where these nuggets of wisdom stand in my life, which is to say, I’m still learning, internalizing, and continually finding ways to apply them.

Anyway, enjoy!

Ria at 29 | L: sick version, R: healthy version

1. Roots before branches

Two years ago, I wrote that our twenties should be just as much about grounding ourselves as reaching for goals, and that meant laying down a few core truths to live by. I still believe that. But what I realize now is that the most important, most meaningful form of roots is this: people.

Determine that small circle of people who genuinely love you, who truly know you, who have your best interest at heart, who remind you of your inner light. Hold them close. Keep those relationships strong and deep. They will help you grow not only taller, but sturdier, and hold you down through life’s most turbulent winds and torrential rains.

2. Choose personal enlargement

In a recent online meeting, a colleague talked to me in a tone that I did not like. I didn’t talk back because (1) there were other people on the call, (2) it was near the end of the meeting and I did not want to prolong it, and (3) because I was appalled and in shock that someone my junior talked me to like that. I left the meeting and felt my blood boil. Immediately, my mind began to craft a sharp-tongued, high-minded, but professionally-worded message that would put her in her place. I would send it to her. I would cut her with my words.

I didn’t.

I’m not sharing this because I’m proud of doing the “mature” thing, but because it was one of those moments where I was viscerally hit by how damn hard it is to be a decent human being. And by “decent”, I mean kind, patient, and if not empathetic, then at least, considerate.

I don’t think my colleague was aware of how she sounded. I knew she was under a lot of pressure, that she felt the gap in the very big shoes she had to fill, that she was not receiving enough guidance, and that she might be in a more vulnerable place than she cared to admit. I’d been in that place before.

In our twenties, most narratives and expectations around growth revolve around developing one’s self in pragmatic and marketable ways. Read more books, travel around the world, upskill yourself, earn certifications, increase your network, find another income stream, build a following and gain social proof. Of course, these are all valuable and reasonable goals, but there are plenty of other ways to shine as a human being.

Character-building isn’t a sexy or straightforward agenda. There is no award for displaying outstanding patience or keeping judgment at bay or being the world’s best listener or, to quote Michelle Obama, for treating people well whilst you “remember that context existed.” Because everyone on earth, Michelle was taught, is “carrying around an unseen history, and that alone deserved some tolerance.”

But this is important and painstaking work: to ask yourself, “How can I grow as a person in ways less self- or ego-oriented? In directions less apparent, less lauded, but that transcend the practicalities of being a human?

I think the term “personal enlargement” rather than “personal growth” is more evocative of this kind of work. It reminds me of what my life and writer peg Cheryl Strayed said as advice for twenty-somethings: “Be about ten times more magnanimous than you believe yourself capable of being.” As she argued, in our twenties, we’re becoming who we’re going to be. “So you might as well not be an asshole.”

Her challenge: “Stretch yourself in the direction of goodness, of bigness, of kindness, of forgiveness, of emotional bravery.” Strive for personal enlargement.

3. Cultivate your inner life

Your inner life is everything that goes on in your life that you cannot visibly see. Your thoughts, emotions, motivations, and aspirations. Your doubts, fears, demons, and dirty laundry.

Why is an inner life important?

Because it exists, whether you tend to it or not. The trouble, however, is the latter: when you’re not aware of what’s occurring in yours. When you don’t take the time to pause and familiarize yourself with your own interior landscape. Because if that is what happens, you will live according to the only life you know: your outer life. That is, you will find yourself led by the demands and expectations and benchmarks of everybody but yourself.

In this hyper-connected, image-driven, clutter-creating, bandwagoning world, a nourished inner life is your best chance at hearing yourself. This is where your sense of self lives, alongside your peace of mind, self-compassion, and contentment.

The Stoics called it the “Inner Citadel.” And as Ryan Holiday explains in this blog post, no one is born with such a structure. “It must be built and actively reinforced.”

There are many ways to do this, but I suggest you start here: Journal.

“Keep a diary,” said screenwriter Mae West, “and someday it will keep you.”

4. Follow your nose

I will forever be quoting the late author Amy Krouse Rosenthal: “Pay attention to what you pay attention to.”

Examine your affinities and idiosyncrasies. Trust your gut, your taste. Be so busy cracking your own curiosities and I promise: You will feel more at home with yourself.

5. Take the next step in front of you

Nobody knows how to do this thing called life. Nobody knows where they’re ultimately headed. Nobody actually has a ten-year life plan, and even if they do, I’m pretty sure they’re either going to end up taking a different route getting there or veer away from the intended destination altogether. All we have, all we know, and maybe all we’ll ever need, in the words of Carl Jung, is to “do the next and most necessary thing.”

A similar sentiment from the actor LeVar Burton: "Take the step that's right in front of you, because the next step will reveal itself."

Embrace the unchartability of life. It will enable you to do the hard but most pressing thing: to fully live in the now and focus on what can be acted on.

6. To evolve is to carry our past selves

I used to think that changing and evolving as a human entailed the disposal of our past selves. Isn’t it often said that we should shed old mindsets and old ways?

See, I’ve done a lot of that and talk a big game about it. But recently, it occurred to me that I’d unconsciously developed a bad habit: a tendency to shame my former selves. In mulling over my mistakes and shortcomings, I’d begun to look down on the person who made them. And I was convinced that, in moving on to a better, higher version of myself, I’d morphed into something completely new. Self-change, I thought, wasn’t just a process of remolding, but of rebuilding myself with entirely different clay.

Then I realized that that’s not how growth works.

Now I like to imagine my self, at any point in time, as a Russian nesting doll. Open it, and you’ll find a smaller version of the same doll. This is your past self. Open that doll, and there lies another smaller self from a more distant past.

As we evolve, we integrate, rather than separate from our old selves. We get to be as big as we are today because of who we used to be.

7. Staying young is a choice

Youth is less about what you see in the mirror than the state of your mind, heart, and soul. It isn’t being in school, but finally embracing the means to learn the things you actually want to learn—and loving the learning. It isn’t keeping up with a crowded bar, but immersing yourself in the few people who embolden you to be yourself and to expand yourself (See #1 and #2). It isn’t holding all-nighters, but being wide awake and in awe of the details of daily life. It isn’t corporeal indefatigability, but creative faculty. But most of all, youth, for me, is curiosity: the practice of wonder, the attempt to see beyond the four corners of your own mind, and the willingness to update your perceptions and ideas.

8. Curate your life

My life has been a hundred times better since I learned that I can exist in the modern world more deliberately. And by that I mean instead of being precious with my online feed, I could curate, as best as I could, the actual things that have access to me. I was and am capable of making conscious choices about those inputs and influences. And I learned to be unapologetic about those choices.

An incomplete list of all the things you can “curate”: your social circle, choices for leisure, sources of information, your physical environment, your digital environment AKA your phone. What should you drop? What should you keep? What should you put at the forefront or be within reach?

As we are constantly fed with multiple narratives and distractions, this level of consciousness and decision-making is power.

9. Downsize

I used to live in a 370 sqm home that had six bedrooms and seven—yes, seven—bathrooms. (We are a family of four.) Then I moved into my own place: a whopping 21 sqm apartment. It takes me approximately three steps to go from one spot to another. From my bed to the kitchen. The kitchen to the bathroom. The bathroom to my closet.

You would’ve thought that my life would feel smaller because of this change, but what happened was the opposite: I feel like I’m living larger than ever.

Because with a “smaller”, simpler life, I felt my resources expand.

With everything within reach and a smaller space to maintain, I have more time and energy. Having fewer belongings gives me less to worry about, clearing my headspace. Most remarkably, proving that I can live with a lot less has changed not merely what I want, but how much I want. And I’ve come to understand what Mary Ellen Edmunds said: “Wanting less is a far better blessing than having more.”

As a corollary, another thing I’ve realized is that in many lifestyle problems, the answer may simply be this: to consider something less. Something smaller. Or simpler.

What if you lessened the load on your plate? What if you just managed your expectations with your colleague who’s still learning the ropes? What if you just focused on the next step instead of trying to plot steps one through ten? (see #5) What if you concerned yourself with only big thing this month? What if you allowed yourself ten minutes of exercise instead of one hour? What if you let yourself be proud of exercising ten minutes consistently instead of expecting yourself to turn into a gym buff in two weeks? What if you let yourself be the mere mortal that you are and not ask the world from yourself?

“Less is more” is an age-old adage for a reason. Less gives way to quality. Less enriches you with depth. Less magnifies the essential. Less lets you live more peacefully.

10. Surround yourself with good role models

You know how in The Sims, you can enter a cheat code that will fill your Sims’ needs forever, and, free from the shackles of a limited bladder, they can go about whatever it takes to unlock their full virtual potential?

Role models work like that—like cheat codes. They are the ultimate hack to becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be.

Find people you want to emulate not only career-wise, but character-wise. Whose outlook, humility, and sense of self do you aspire to have? Get to know them and spend more time around them. Their spirit will seep into yours.

(And don’t forget #1: let them know how grateful you are to have them in your life.)

11. Everybody comes to things in their own way

Speaking of role models, my favorite boss told me years ago, “Just listen to me, and two years later you’ll wake up and understand what I was saying.”

So obnoxious, right? (Just kidding, boss.)

Up to this day, I still catch myself remembering things he said and I think, “Okay, I get it now.”

You can give well-meaning advice to people, but the truth is, everyone comes to things in their own way. We are all incredibly nuanced individuals. We all have our own triggers, watersheds, and moments of enlightenment. We will see things when we are ready to see them. Until then, extend yourself and others the necessary grace and latitude.

12. Loosen your grip on life

Last year, while enjoying a bonfire with friends, we decided to do this One Tree Hill thing and throw into the fire all the stuff we wanted to let go of. I was heartbroken then, so they knew I would throw in a name. But here’s another thing I surprisingly incinerated: my biggest professional aspiration.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want it anymore, but I felt the need to remind myself that, despite how much I dream and act with conviction, I can’t demand those dreams from the universe.

The most important muscle to build next to love, I think, is faith. Faith means letting go of the need to know for sure, to feel sure. It means understanding that you cannot manifest what is not meant for you. That for every one thing you can control there are 99 other things you can’t.

And yet, it is wholly possible to still pursue your dreams and desires—but hold on to them loosely. It is possible to courageously hold a candle for all the roads you could not take. And to have faith that, no matter the twists and turns of life, you will most certainly end up okay.

If you liked this, help your girl out & like this post! Or share it if you think it might resonate with someone else. You can also comment on the post or reply to this email. In any case, it’ll really motivate me! (which I definitely need, lol) ♡