#43 Lessons for Hoomans
Subbing for momma! - Shelby the Sniffspector
HENLO FRENS
My hooman has been very busy an distracted dis October. So I thot Id take this off her bowl, sowee I mean, plate, so momma wont feel bad for missing a newsletter dis month.
Anyhoo, I jus had me barkday! AM TWO!! WHICH MEANS… AM A FOOL-FLEDGED TERRIBLE TEENAGER SLASH DINO!!! When momma gave me my barkday cake an foods, she said sumthin like “Shelby my wish fur u is fur u to mature faster ok??” So I gave her da HUGEST side-eye EVER to say “STAHP, LINDA! I cant help my own biological development! U know am just a doggo! Also am a boi… and boi doggos mature slower than gurl doggos! Have u not learned from boi hoomans to manage ur expectations?!” Then I borked fur emphasis: “Gib my brain time an me sum treatos! Cos they help my brain develop faster yup I pawmise is tru am not making dis up to get mor treatos”1
So u might know dat momma has dis birthday tradition where she writes a barkday piece an tries to sound all PAWFOUND about lyf an stuffs. I wanna write an essay too but I only hab da brain cell for a listicle. So today I will share a list of stuffs I taught momma.
(Ok fine! She actually learned dem from Google. If u dint know, im momma’s first pupper ever. So she only learned how to take care of doggos cos of me. So technically, AM DA TRU SOURCE OF WISDOM!)
U see, we doggos might be a pawzillion times cuter, but us an hoomans r really not all dat different. U might alredy know sum of da stuffs in dis list, but I think we can always use a fur-iendly reminder! COS WERE BOTH SUCH FORGETFUL BEINGS
A disclaimer: we puppers r terrible spellers! Sowee, am doin my best wid dis darn keyboard!!
As u can see from my handsomest photo, am a Golden Retriever. Dis is a very important detail to understand how to best take care of me. See, we Goldies ar part of da dog group of sporting dogs. My ancestors were bred to assist hunters as they go out into da woods an shoot water fouls. Da bird would land hundreds of yards away, den we would run out, find it, an den — u guessed it — RETRIEVE it! Yes, we ar literally Golden Retrievers! Dats why we need lotsa exercise! Dats why were such a mouthy breed an we keep chewing on everyting an stealing our hooman’s socks an carrying everyting an anyting in our mouths. Breed, history (u never know wot a shelter dog has been through) plus “imprinted DNA” (every dog has their innate traits an tendencies an motivators) makes every dog unique! Which is to say: we all have unique needs! An if ur unaware of dis needs, how r u supposed to meet or manage dem?
Am not ashamed of my needs! Maybe dats da nice thing about habing a not-so-advanced brain. Hoomans bamboozle me. Sum of dem hab dis tendency to think about everyting but demselves. Or they become too conscious about demselves an call demselves “needy”. HECK IT! Needs are NEEDS, Linda!!
U know wot happens wen my needs arent met? I become a bad boi. When I dont hab toys or stuffs to satisfy my mouthyness, I chew on da furniture an corners of da house an — my fave!! — tissue paper. When I dont get nuff exercise, I get restless an table-surf an annoy dax fam. I dont mean to misbehave or act out! I really dont want to! But is jus what happens when I dont get what I need….
Oh an when I bork, is not because I wanna annoy my hoomans! Am just trying to tell dem something. Maybe am jus anxious or scared. Or maybe I badly need to pee-pee. Wen I bork, I jus need my hooman to understand me.
And when I want scritches or pets, I sit beside momma, stare at her wid my hugest puppy eyes, den boop her arm until she finally puts her hand on my chin an starts scratching. WORKS EVERY TIME. See! Sometimes, u just really have to ask fur what u want or u wont get it!
Oh heres another ting am not ashamed of: my happiness! When I get so excited — sing it wid me! — I JUST CAN’T HIDE IT! My tail jus looses control when my hoomans come home or when momma says “do you want to go for a…” Really, u should try it! Not wiggling ur behind — I mean jus showing ur happiness so much dat it makes u look stupeed!!! Is SO fun to show everyone am happy! It makes momma smile so I guess it makes her happy too. I think is so cool dat I can make someone else happy jus by demonstrating my own happiness. Anyhoo, momma jus looked over me shoulder n told me to throw in dis Mary Oliver quote. I dont know who she is, but I bet she had a floofer who inspired her to write dis (copy-pasting for a prupper quote): “If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it… whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.”
Now here’s something dat rily makes me happy: WALKIES. Da ultimate bestest part of my day! I get to exercise an spend time outdoors an sniff new stuffs! Walkies provide so many benefits fur hoomans — stronger heart, boosted energy, better mood, improved cognition, stimulated creativity, mlem mlem, I dont want to bore u wid da science stuffs. But I jus think walkies are SO underrated amongs hoomans! Is free, easy, an is such a hardworking healthy habit! (An no am not saying dis to get me momma to take me on more walks)
One of da first things momma had to learn early: a well-exercised doggo is a well-behaved doggo. Just like hoomans who r at their best when dey regularly do physical stuffs!
Remember when I mentioned da big words “Imprinted DNA” in #1? Well, my imprinted DNA is dat am an aggressive sniffer!! THEY CALL ME: SHELBY DA SNIFFSPECTOR. During walkies, NO BLADE OF GRASS SHAL BE LEFT UNSNIFFED. I tink we should all sniff da heck out of everyting an be super dooper immersed in our environment an be compawletely curious about every inch of it!
Yes I like walkies. But I like sleep mor. So I sleep a lot. Be like doggos. Sleep. Sleep the amounts of time u needs to sleep.
When am not sleeping, I jus like to be near my hoomans. Goldies are called velcro dogs cos were so clingy to our hoomans. But honesly, dat doesn really mean I need attention 24/7. If u gib me consistent quality time (walkies! scritches! playtime! command training wid LOTS AN LOTSA treatos!), the quantity wont matter as much
Even for doggos as smart as me, training — learning new tings — isn’t linear. One day I can pick up da new trick, next day Ill hab a hard time remembering it. When dat happens, I jus need ur help! U know, jus break it down again fur me. Les go back to da easy level pls. Then we can work our way back! Promise Ill eventually get it. When learning or practicing someting new, remember: patience is key! Fur me an fur u!
When I was smol I would get so agitated when I would see a cat. If is another doggo, I would get super excited or anxious. Then I would pull on my leash an momma would command me to sit or stay or someting. But is SO hard to listen when am too agitated or excited or anxious or stimulated in wutever way! SO hard to think clearly! So momma has learned to calm me down firs when am too worked up. We pause an she pets me an then in her most soothing voice, she tells me again an again, “Calm down, Shelby.”
But other than dat, is really jus the teenage phase. I mean u remember being a teenager, right? Ur just so curious about the world! An urself! U want to explore! Test ur boundaries! Ur absorbing a lot of new stuff, new feelings, so ur still gauging whats good an bad fur u. Sumtimes even if u know the right decision — fur me, my commands! — u jus dont hab the maturity yet to do was good fur you. Dats why teenagers end up doing dumb stuffs… U know I dont like baby gates an leashes. At this age I JUS WANNA RUN WILD EVERYWHERE!! But as always, mommas know better: Too much freedom is no good fur u when u dont hab control!
I know I said I like the outdoors, but I dont like going inside the car… When momma wants me to go inside, I put my legs on hard brakes an be like, “No thanks Linda”. An what does she do?! She lifts my front legs, puts them on da seat, an then counts to three an says “GO!” At this point I know I have no choice but to go inside, so I jus jump in. Mommy knows this isnt the best way to train me — she can teach me to learn to LIKE going inside the car!2 U see, theres a difference between willingly doing someting an jus tolerating it. Dat said, when it comes to training…
Say it wid me: PAWsitive reinforcement. Tinking u can punish doggos into learning a lesson is SO old school! If u ever get da chance to be a parent (of a hooman baby or a fur baby) or a teacher or trainer or boss or mentor or any role where u can develop sum other being, pls use pawsitive reinforcement. Reward them fur doing the right thing. Fur their progress! Reward them wid praises an pets an treatos an dont be stingy about it! I pawmise they will grow up to be happier an healthier beings.
Upon fact-checking, there is no scientific basis for this. Feel free to suspend your disbelief anyway.
I think early on Shelby learned to associate the car with vet or grooming appointments, both of which make him stressed/anxious.
thank you Shelby! Like you, I also get antsy when I don't get my walk, but I like sleep more :D